I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
