porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
