dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize