About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
