I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
