My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
