hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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