Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
