Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Send help, water and tortillas.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
