i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
