The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
