Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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