I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize