Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
