I wish I could teleport
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
