I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
