I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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