I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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