Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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