What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize