i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
