I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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