Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
