i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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