Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
