I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You made out with two different species that night
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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