Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
