there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
