Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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