we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
