OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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