Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
