i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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