i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
