just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
