R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
