he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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