i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
