There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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