When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
