I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
