doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
