I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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