for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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