so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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