I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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