And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
