She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I am naked and annoyed.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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