We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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