God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
