I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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