You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
