I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
