and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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