Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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